Don’t Tell Me What to Do

Not long ago, I admitted to a couple of my roommates an obvious fact about me, recognized and diagnosed early by my Psychiatrist who treats me for ADD as he softly said with a hint of frustration “I can see you don’t like to be told what to do.” One does not have to know me well to know he rightly diagnosed the all too obvious stubborn part of my character that is either admired, found annoying, or deemed unacceptable. Such evaluations seem to depend on one's need to exercise authority over me or one's willingness to submit to my authority, ultimately depending upon whether or not we are mutually submitted to the same authority. If the conflict is rooted in a demand that requires I betray my allegiance to my highest authority, I am indeed obligated to be obstinate, an obligation that often gets me in trouble.

My current inflexible determination, however, is somewhat of a contradiction to who I was. I once was very submissive; overly eager to be told what to do given the severity of my disability that impaired my ability to hear, understand and follow instructions. Therefore, my repeated failure to follow instructions most often had more to do with my inability to understand the requirements than my lacking the desire or motivation to comply. As a result, I was often shamed for my failures and/or sternly disciplined for what was perceived to be rebellion. From my distracted confusion, I grew ravenous with desire for approval and driven to learn what it takes to get it, desperate for the relief that would save me from or sooth the pain of being punished for my noncompliance.

By high school, I had compensated rather well for my deficiency by becoming very skilled as an actor in the school’s drama program and in life, using the extreme sensitivity of my emotions, also characteristic of ADD, to empathetically evaluate the expectations of others so I could comply with what the majority demanded of me by performing the character they most liked, thus maximizing my potential for approval and minimizing my aptitude for inciting conflict. Though well supplied with praise as a skilled performer who showed tremendous potential for a promising future, I was empty and unsatisfied, conditions characteristic of an addict who is always looking for the next fix when the high wears off. Likewise, the growing complexities of the demands of my environment required more performance than my skills were equipped to offer, thus adding to the pain I was trying to alleviate with a medication that was diminishing in supply. Since potential is not enough to meet the demands for performance required by reality, all the fraudulent characters of my repertoire were exposed, either by those who were able to see through my disguises or by my failure to prove my claims of who I was and what I could do, especially when it came to my identity in Christ. Those who know Jesus well are not easily fooled by Jesus costumes, no matter how look-alike they may be. Likewise, even those who do not know Jesus recognize a poor performance when they see one.

Once the truth about me was finally exposed so neither I nor anyone else could deny it, I began a desperate search for help. Unfortunately, I could not find it though I stubbornly persisted to wander from dead end to dead end. Finally, I reached a place I could not go further having reached the last dead end of the road of my life where death was the only option I had left. I even considered the possibility of taking my own life but was too afraid of God’s disapproval.

Nevertheless, it was at that final destination where I discovered the means to rightly kill my “self” and the instructions on how to do it, described in detail within the discipline of apologetics, instructions I understood and was able to apply very successfully despite my learning disability. Having died well, I was then raised from the dead with new sight and focus, able to see fixed points of reference with such clarity that all distractions were driven to the limits of my peripheral vision, allowing my attention to be firmly held by the one who I had tried to be for so long. Like Pinocchio who was finally turned into a real boy, I could finally say with integrity I knew Jesus and therefore knew myself having been gifted with new life and identity foreign to all I had ever known but familiar to what I had always wanted. Jesus has had my undistracted attention since that magic moment of transformation, a transformation that also redirected my distracted drive to win the approval of others to a focused determination to win the crown I see waiting for me in the hands of the source that defined my identity, purpose and reality, in the hands of my Jesus, in the hands of my God. (If you are interested in knowing more about why apologetics helped, see my blog “My Journey to Apologetics” written August 13, 2008. The books that served as my introduction are listed at the bottom of my blog).

Since I am submitted to the lordship of Jesus Christ, I am also willing to submit to everyone else as long as their demands do not violate God’s standards or compromise my identity in Christ, regardless of whether or not their values are different from mine. However, now that I know the objective reference that defines the truth, I am no longer easily deceived by pretenders who are skilled at acting like Jesus; I know the profession too well having practiced it for most of my life. I am also not very trusting of those who claim to be an authority on truth but are not familiar to me and/or do not speak words I understand or weigh decisions with values informed by standards that do not make sense to me. Therefore, I often have problems with or become a problem to those who possess the power of authority over me, not necessarily because their demands are unreasonable, but perhaps because they are unable or unwilling to help me understand their demands. On the other hand, their authority may also conflict with the authority of God, the authority that trumps all others in my chain of command. Either way, my disability that makes it difficult to make decisions about arbitrary details still gets me in trouble with some authorities though my noncompliance may now be for very legitimate reasons. Either way, I am still often persecuted as a rebel who simply does not like to be told what to do.

Even in the world, credibility requires objective references and/or recognized authority. If the credibility is there, I in fact do like, indeed love being told what to do, as does anyone who is told by the one they love how to go about pleasing them. Likewise, in the absence of credibility, I would rather die than betray my love. Therefore, my defiance may not be the result of selfish ambition or obstinate pride. If it is, my Lord will deal with me directly, either in me or through someone else he possesses. Considering the fact even demons will not be told what to do by those who deceptively claim the authority of my Lord, how much less effect would such demands have on Jesus himself; he who defines me, directs me, and whose Holy Spirit possesses me? Submission is not my problem given my Lord commands I submit even to my enemies that do not demand I betray him by disobeying his orders. Therefore, Should any conflicting demand be made of me absent of his authority, I will not be moved, much less impressed, any more than the demoniac described in Acts who was ordered to act against his will. I may even be inclined to ask the same question: “Who are you to tell me what to do?” Those who claim authority in the name of Jesus need to be careful they are possessed by the authority to wield it. His power is not ours to control, much less to be used to control others.

Acts 19:13-16 13 Then some of the itinerant Jewish exorcists undertook to invoke the name of the Lord Jesus over those who had evil spirits, saying, "I adjure you by the Jesus, whom Paul proclaims." 14 Seven sons of a Jewish high priest named Sceva were doing this. 15 But the evil spirit answered them, "Jesus I know, and Paul I recognize, but who are you?" 16 And the man in whom was the evil spirit leaped on them, mastered all of them and overpowered them, so that they fled out of that house naked and wounded.